break · a · name

just a sketch of a project i am currently working on.

purdy much my most favorite thing right now is my boyfriend's PS3.
i don't do video games, but i had to try Devil May Cry 4 and it is awesomeness.
i tried to kill the first hugemungous bad guy like, 4 times, but kept dying. so then my sister, who had never played it before, tries it and what happens. she beat his ass on her first try. lame.

so that's what i am about to do. play a game. fun.

purdy much i totally went trick-or-treating.
and yeah, i got hella candy!!
i'm on a sugar high... here are some pics.
( Read more... )

so i guess it's been a long while since i've blogged.
not sure if anyone even reads this thing anymore.

anywho... a lot has changed lately.
i am currently in Arizona (out of Ely finally!).
why Arizona?
well, perhaps i didn't tell you about the boy i fell in love with.
so basically, i've known Shaun for a real long time. i'm friends with his friends/cousins... blah blah blah.
but i never looked at him as more than a friend.
well, i guess Lee and Janet put the idea in my head... "hey, you should hook up with Shaun! he's so nice!"
so yeah, i got the idea and i suppose it kinda stuck with me and i went with it.
i started hitting on him and he never noticed.
finally, he text me one night asking me if i'd come over and watch movies with him, Janet and Lee.
my first thought was "he wants a piece of ass." then i thought, "Janet and Lee set him up to this."
i later found out that he asked me withhout having those two put him up to it. he actually wanted me to come over and hang out with him.
even though i hesitated, i ended up going to see him and actually had a good time. we cuddled on the couch and had our first kiss.
i just kinda knew i'd be with him.

so here i am. i moved to Arizona for a guy i was with for less than a month!
i guess it's okay to take risks though.
i know it's okay to take risks.
if i hadn't, then i wouldn't be as happy as i am right now.
here is the love of my life...

i tell everyone this now:
you have to go through a bunch of asshole guys before you find the really good one.

i feel like i should be writing or drawing something right now.
i think i will.

i've stopped waiting for his phone calls when he says that he will call...
i'm learning that he lies.
i'm learning.
i put on makeup just so i will look okay for him. but he never sees.
he's two states away.
just safe and out of my reach- like he wanted to be all along.
this is another way to look at our long-distance relationhsip
at least it makes sense now.
i told them i was on an important call to someone far away.
they reminded me that he lived just across town. if only they knew-
i think my ringtone is a song by a band that i like that mostly has a lot of sexual references.
because he is always singing it when he answers.
i keep him on the factory setting just so i don't grow too attatched,
he answers my calls when he really wants to talk to me.
i answer his calls even when i say i won't

DROWSY DRIVING CAUSES CRASHES

i've got mu music on
listening to a sad song
volume up as high as it will go
just to drown out the sound of your voice
you were...
talking about this girl who you say is in love with you
she calls every now and then
phone calls that will always be
more important than mine

(she hurt you the worst)

you see me all the time
and you can point out all the things i do that annoy you
you know me better than anyone
one day apart- feels like and entire year away from me
or so you say
but you hardly ever talk to her
and it's an awkward drive home
listening to the saddest songs i know
choking back tears as you let me go
for one moment you spend with her

(she hurt you the worst)

i've got my wine and i'm not slowing down
the road's a blur
and so is this town
the souond of your voice
is not as comforting as it used to be

you were...
talking to this girl
that you knew a few years ago
you call from time to time
just to hear her voice
and i'm drunk at the wheel
listening to you say what i don't want to hear
i'm tired
and wonder how it would be
to fall asleep right now

(you hurt me the worst)

LAST CALL.

i told myself i was over (you)
late night drives headed nowhere,
mixtapes to sing along to
just to fill in the silence.
i swear i was past all this.
phonecalls every night for no real reason
(just to hear you breathe)
wearing your shirt to be just to comfort me.

but i'm the best liar i know
and the worst at letting go.

i had myself convinced
that i was over (you)
backseat kisses- holding hands
and nights of cheap wine and paper cups
always just the two of us.
i said i could get over this
phone calls in the middle of the night
(just to hear the other speak)
wearing your shirts to bed just to help me sleep.

i'm the best liar i know
but i'm the worst at letting go.

WHAT HAPPENS HERE... (DOESN'T ALWAYS STAY HERE)

you remind me a lot of Vegas...
overrated and way too fucking fake (even on it's best days)
it's how the bright lights at night are a bit overwhelming and breathtaking
but deep inside the city streets (veins rushing in reds and blues), the magic fades.
it's mostly depressing and full of lies.
lonely people line the streets,
filling empty lives with the flashin neons-
the consistent sounds of the casino machines-
promising a richer future.

it's you...
how the outside makes me feel like i can't breathe sometimes.
but you feel a little down once you see it all for what it really is on the inside.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO DREAM ANYMORE

i've been thinking about giving you away.
because for me, it's only you when i wake up and when i sleep.
to you, i'm nothing.
maybe i cross your mind every now and then
maybe i don't.
they say, "you're nobody until somebody loves you."
it's been me all along.
nobody.
i drove around tonight because i couldn't sleep
listened to songs that reminded me of you and summer all at the same time.
the sounds of the traffic drowned out the voices in my head.
red lights made me stop- and think about myself.
i'm i'm no good for myself, how can i be good for you?
and i got angry at the sound of your voice at midnight on your voicemail.
i know you're avoiding me.
it's late and i'm running on empty.
i sang along to a song about Chicago.
i gripped the wheel to fight back the tears.
everything makes me think about my wrists for some reason.
every day makes me more dependant on a bottle of pills...
even a lonely midnight drive.
i'm on empty= no where to go.
drove by your house but the light were off.
maybe you were sleeping-

dreaming of someone who isn't me.

STAY MEDICATED.

he's taking his last drag of his last cigarette
and i know my time is almost up.
it's discarded as easily as i know i can be.
- i told him i loved him
(wish i had lied)-
this is the only thing that makes me feel close to him anymore
i smoke just because i know it's what his mouth would taste like if i had a chance in hell.
i gave up wearing his shirt to bed.
(when he asked for them all back)
now i'm popping pills just to fall asleep.
i can't get comfortable in my own bed.
i can't get used to my own skin.
i miss him even though
he's always just a
phone call away.
even if i see him
all the fucking time.

this isn't love.

- but it's all we've got.

me and my BFF Josh!

me and the sweetest guy EVER!! LEE!!

me and my sisters

ME!

i waited that night
all night
for you to kiss me.
and your mouth said loud and clear, that you wanted to...
but the words just never came.
so, you held me close on the dancefloor instead.
our bodies, swaying to the twang of a country song,
your breath on my neck.
and you apologized for dancing with those other girls,
as if you were mine.
i waited all night
that night
for you to ask if you could take me home.
and i so desperately wanted you to,
but i never said it and you never asked.
so, you drove me home in the twilight of the early morning,
and you asked if was ready to go home, or if i wanted to be with you still.
i said i wasn't ready for home.
and we went to your place and you talked to me
as if i were yours.
so i waited for hours
that night
for you to make your move.
your lips and eyes said that you were ready,
but you just knew that i wasn't.
so, you held me close in your sheets instead.
your hands, brushing against the small of my back...
your head, resting on my neck.
and for once in my life, i felt safe and cared about...
as if i belonged somewhere.

i was discussing my recent "boy troubles" with Josh.
even after all that we have been through, he is actually very sympathetic and caring. he just wants me to be happy. and as much as i hate to admit it, he gives great advice.
he sent me this text...
"you're not hopeless, or helpless. and i hate to sound cold... but you don't know what love is, you just do as you're told." way to rip off the white stripes. but this little quote really fits me at the moment.
so i thought i was falling for this new guy. i still know i did. i'm not even sure that i am over all that.
the thing is, i gave up so much to him. he made me feel like he cared about me and then once he got what he wanted, he doesn't even talk to me now. i can't help it. i know i should suck it up and move along. but i am really really hurt right now. i am just so tired of being hurt. i have lost faith in men. period.
i think, all i want right now is some closure. i want to see him again and tell him to his face that he hurt me. i want him to KNOW what he has done to me. and then, i will be done with it and probably be better off. i don't know why... but i want him to know this.
i started working on my new zine that has, so far, been about learning to get over someone and moving on. so, it's been basically about this guy. i suppose there is still no happy ending.
i wrote this intro: to- the one boy who made me feel beautiful and loved all the time. even if this doesn't work out, at least you made for a good story.

haha! maybe i get too far ahead of myself.

oh yeah, my sister said he drove past my house all slow a bunch of times today. funny how he can stalk me and not even have the balls to answer my phone calls. fuck you!

i sure do know how to pick them, don't i?
this guy i have been super-into lately has me wanting to beat myself over the head with a blunt object.
i do not get it.
i am a super jealous person anyway, and the fact that i have been silent through seeing his ex-girlfriend's car at his house every day, all day, for the past couple weeks is a rare feat.
i want to say something so bad. i want to yell at him.
i mostly stayed quiet about my jealousy because he was not my official boyfriend. but last night, he introduced me to people as "the girl i am seeing". so i purdy much think that means i am his girlfriend. he always introduced me as his friend. this is a big step. he even kissed me goodbye when he left the bar for a moment. we don't kiss in public. ever. so i guess he is really coming around.
it makes me feel really great, but then it's killing me with this ex thing.
i feel like i am really being fucked over.
it makes me feel really dirty when she finally leaves his house and then he wants me to come over.
it pisses me off that i know he is home because she is there and he ignores my texts.
why do i do this to myself?
he is obviously a player.

i'm not supposed to be falling in love.
not now.
i haven't said the words out loud yet.
but believe me, they are swirling around inside my head... taking up all my thoughts.
i'm hoping i will soon realize that it's not what i think it is. hopefully, it's lust at it's finest.
but even i can't say that word out loud.
love, love, love...
sometimes, i think i allow myself to fall in and out of this way too soon.
or maybe, this is it. all the others were nothing compared to this.
now that i think about it, i am fully over the last one. it didn't take me long at all to move on.
oh god, maybe this is it.
and i don't want another friends with benefits. not with this one.
i want the comfort and safeness i feel when i am with him.
i want the compliments and lines he feeds me.
i want the closeness and intimacy that we share when we lie in bed.
i want this.
i just don't want this to be love.
i don't want him to become something i didn't even think he could be.
i want him to be the way he is now.
always.
please, don't be the one that really breaks my heart.

he calls me "gorgeous" every time i see him.
he greets me with a hug even if we saw each other the night before.
he only asks me to dance as long as he knows i'm not mad at him.
talking to him about what is bothering me isn't even an issue.
i don't know that i've ever felt this comfortable.
i don't know that i've ever felt this important to anyone.
he told me it was only me. it was only about me.
i know i shouldn't, but i believed him.
it's different.
it's safe.
it's how i can stay the night and not even have to worry about putting out.
it's how he just holds me most the time.
i told him not to fuck with me.
i'm done with men and their dishonest ways.
and he called me the morning after and asked me why i left.
i remembered how everything felt alright.
i remembered how he told me my feet were cold and they felt nice next to his.

swoon.

well...

pros:
- still working on watching all my Inuyasha dvds. i swear it just gets better and better the further you get into the series. and the movies are purdy sweet too.
- oh yeah, anime guys are super hot.
- hanging out with the boy i like, even if i am a bitch and play hard to get. i really have trust issues.
- the smile on my best friends face when i gave him his copy of the Inuyasha dvds.

cons:
- my HP book didn't come today even though B&N said it would be delivered on the release date!!! fuck my mail man dude.
- HP not even coming to our local theater. WTF?! seriously...
- work
- not trusting the guy who says he cares about me.
- hangovers
- spending a hundred dollars on booze in one night and then waking up and regretting every moment of it.
- ALL my friends being out of town this weekend.
- biker guys are super scary.
- knowing i need a shower, but being way too hungover to do it.

purdy much Transformers is the greatest movie ever made.
fuckin awesome.

times are good lately.
me and an old friend called a truce and can actually hang out without ripping each other's heads off.
i currently get along with everyone.

Josh is still my favorite boy.

Miley Monster is my new favorite girl.

InuYasha is my new favorite obsession.

i am boring as hell.

i'll give you a minute of my time, a spot in my bed.
(anything to feel loved)
slow dances
hands on hips and thighs
shouted whispers in ears
and you can't even look me in the eyes.
tainted with liquor,
your mouth breathes lies.
i know you think i've fallen for it
but i'm just so good at faking it.
the last one fucked me over,
and you're no different.

so purdy much, i am obsessed with InuYasha.

it's this show that Josh got me into that airs on Adult Swim and it's frickin awesome. i don't normally like anime and manga and all that, but this show changed my mind. i recently bought the first 8 seasons on dvd and the 4 movies for me and Josh. now, i just have to wait for them to come! also, i'm trying to collect all the manga for the series. i found part of the lot on ebay, but haven't purchased it yet. i'm still looking around for the entire lot in english. if you are into the show or know where i can get the manga for a good price, hit me up.

that is all.

"you don't look at me the way you used to..."
"isn't that what you wanted?"

sometimes men confuse the hell out of me.

things to be happy about:
- Joey home from Iraq (if only for 2 weeks but then he is back for good in August)
- sweet hangz with friends
- Jade coming home
- my niece, Miley
- finally sticking up for myself and not apologizing for what i say and how i say it
- knowing that she is not as tough as she thinks she is
- mix cd's from Josh that he makes when he is drunk. lol.
- having internet back
- being called "crazy" by someone who is the epitome of crazy. it just makes me laugh.
- realizing that it's okay to be alone sometimes

words to live by:
"some things you lose/you don't get back/ so just know what you have" bright eyes

"no one deserves the title 'best friend' if they don't sound like the calvaries cannons or aren't willing to bleed next to you." pete wentz

"never trust a heart that's so bent that it can't break" bright eyes

so, my last post was a bit of a downer.
but i'm not all that unhappy with my life.
i'm in the process of weeding out certain people in my life that don't belong here. out with the old, in with the new. this goes for friends and guys and family that don't serve a purpose in my life anymore.

i haven't been on this crazy internet machine in a loooong time so all my e-pals haven't heard from me. i wish i could say i have much to tell you, but i really don't. there is never excitement my way.

probably the only thing going on is this fight with a couple ex-friends that has been going on for a lot longer than need be. lots of shit-talking, fist fights, and drama going on. mostly, i am over it. i have no need to keep this going anymore and i am trying my hardest to end it. sometimes, i worry about mutual friends hearing the wrong things about me (because i know it's already happened) and picking sides (because that has already happened). but, i guess in the end, my true friends won't pick sides and listen to the rumors and lies. i've been feeling really good about the way i have handled things. i haven't talked shit about anyone- because i just don't care. that last post was a response to something that was said about me on MySpace... i think i just stayed quiet for so long that i finally felt that i needed to stand up for myself. i don't regret a thing.

there was a new boy in my life for a while. probably the only guy to ever make me feel respected and beautiful. that quickly fell apart last night. i would rather people just be honest with me from the get go. don't tell me you care about me and love to be with me and then go back to your ex. i'm done.

my sister also had a baby at the end of April. it's weird for me to see my kid sister with a kid of her own. funny how quickly your instincts kick in when you need them the most. she's a great mom and the baby (a girl named Miley) is amazing. it's insane to love someone so much that you only just met and are just getting to know.

yeah, i'm still writing too. i actually finished XO #4 a few months ago. it's called "i think i miss you?" and is basically the story about how i met and adore my best friend Josh. so many people ask about our relationship and are mostly confused by it so it was my chance to clear some things up and tell it how it is. it also includes a mini-zine with some poetry and art that was inspired by him. i am currently working on XO #5. this one is called "start over" and is my attempt to move on from some bad relationships and guys that never mattered anyway. both zines have mix cd's.

anyway, everyone should drop me a line and let me know how you are doing these days. i've missed you!!

<3 nat

"on a detox walk through glendale park over sidewalk chalk/ someone wrote in red, 'start over' - cleanse song, bright eyes