sometimes i feel like i've lost a bit of myself along the way.
my boys are my life.
but maybe i should still be a part of that life too.
purdy much my most favorite thing right now is my boyfriend's PS3.
i don't do video games, but i had to try Devil May Cry 4 and it is awesomeness.
i tried to kill the first hugemungous bad guy like, 4 times, but kept dying. so then my sister, who had never played it before, tries it and what happens. she beat his ass on her first try. lame.
so that's what i am about to do. play a game. fun.
so i guess it's been a long while since i've blogged.
not sure if anyone even reads this thing anymore.
anywho... a lot has changed lately.
i am currently in Arizona (out of Ely finally!).
well, perhaps i didn't tell you about the boy i fell in love with.
so basically, i've known Shaun for a real long time. i'm friends with his friends/cousins... blah blah blah.
but i never looked at him as more than a friend.
well, i guess Lee and Janet put the idea in my head... "hey, you should hook up with Shaun! he's so nice!"
so yeah, i got the idea and i suppose it kinda stuck with me and i went with it.
i started hitting on him and he never noticed.
finally, he text me one night asking me if i'd come over and watch movies with him, Janet and Lee.
my first thought was "he wants a piece of ass." then i thought, "Janet and Lee set him up to this."
i later found out that he asked me withhout having those two put him up to it. he actually wanted me to come over and hang out with him.
even though i hesitated, i ended up going to see him and actually had a good time. we cuddled on the couch and had our first kiss.
i just kinda knew i'd be with him.
so here i am. i moved to Arizona for a guy i was with for less than a month!
i guess it's okay to take risks though.
i know it's okay to take risks.
if i hadn't, then i wouldn't be as happy as i am right now.
here is the love of my life...
i tell everyone this now:
you have to go through a bunch of asshole guys before you find the really good one.
i feel like i should be writing or drawing something right now.
i think i will.
just for the record:
you find the greatest guy in the world when you are cynical and aren't even looking for him.
keep your head up.
i've stopped waiting for his phone calls when he says that he will call...
i'm learning that he lies.
i put on makeup just so i will look okay for him. but he never sees.
he's two states away.
just safe and out of my reach- like he wanted to be all along.
this is another way to look at our long-distance relationhsip
at least it makes sense now.
i told them i was on an important call to someone far away.
they reminded me that he lived just across town. if only they knew-
i think my ringtone is a song by a band that i like that mostly has a lot of sexual references.
because he is always singing it when he answers.
i keep him on the factory setting just so i don't grow too attatched,
he answers my calls when he really wants to talk to me.
i answer his calls even when i say i won't
DROWSY DRIVING CAUSES CRASHES
i've got mu music on
listening to a sad song
volume up as high as it will go
just to drown out the sound of your voice
talking about this girl who you say is in love with you
she calls every now and then
phone calls that will always be
more important than mine
(she hurt you the worst)
you see me all the time
and you can point out all the things i do that annoy you
you know me better than anyone
one day apart- feels like and entire year away from me
or so you say
but you hardly ever talk to her
and it's an awkward drive home
listening to the saddest songs i know
choking back tears as you let me go
for one moment you spend with her
(she hurt you the worst)
i've got my wine and i'm not slowing down
the road's a blur
and so is this town
the souond of your voice
is not as comforting as it used to be
talking to this girl
that you knew a few years ago
you call from time to time
just to hear her voice
and i'm drunk at the wheel
listening to you say what i don't want to hear
and wonder how it would be
to fall asleep right now
(you hurt me the worst)
i told myself i was over (you)
late night drives headed nowhere,
mixtapes to sing along to
just to fill in the silence.
i swear i was past all this.
phonecalls every night for no real reason
(just to hear you breathe)
wearing your shirt to be just to comfort me.
but i'm the best liar i know
and the worst at letting go.
i had myself convinced
that i was over (you)
backseat kisses- holding hands
and nights of cheap wine and paper cups
always just the two of us.
i said i could get over this
phone calls in the middle of the night
(just to hear the other speak)
wearing your shirts to bed just to help me sleep.
i'm the best liar i know
but i'm the worst at letting go.
WHAT HAPPENS HERE... (DOESN'T ALWAYS STAY HERE)
you remind me a lot of Vegas...
overrated and way too fucking fake (even on it's best days)
it's how the bright lights at night are a bit overwhelming and breathtaking
but deep inside the city streets (veins rushing in reds and blues), the magic fades.
it's mostly depressing and full of lies.
lonely people line the streets,
filling empty lives with the flashin neons-
the consistent sounds of the casino machines-
promising a richer future.
how the outside makes me feel like i can't breathe sometimes.
but you feel a little down once you see it all for what it really is on the inside.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO DREAM ANYMORE
i've been thinking about giving you away.
because for me, it's only you when i wake up and when i sleep.
to you, i'm nothing.
maybe i cross your mind every now and then
maybe i don't.
they say, "you're nobody until somebody loves you."
it's been me all along.
i drove around tonight because i couldn't sleep
listened to songs that reminded me of you and summer all at the same time.
the sounds of the traffic drowned out the voices in my head.
red lights made me stop- and think about myself.
i'm i'm no good for myself, how can i be good for you?
and i got angry at the sound of your voice at midnight on your voicemail.
i know you're avoiding me.
it's late and i'm running on empty.
i sang along to a song about Chicago.
i gripped the wheel to fight back the tears.
everything makes me think about my wrists for some reason.
every day makes me more dependant on a bottle of pills...
even a lonely midnight drive.
i'm on empty= no where to go.
drove by your house but the light were off.
maybe you were sleeping-
dreaming of someone who isn't me.
he's taking his last drag of his last cigarette
and i know my time is almost up.
it's discarded as easily as i know i can be.
- i told him i loved him
(wish i had lied)-
this is the only thing that makes me feel close to him anymore
i smoke just because i know it's what his mouth would taste like if i had a chance in hell.
i gave up wearing his shirt to bed.
(when he asked for them all back)
now i'm popping pills just to fall asleep.
i can't get comfortable in my own bed.
i can't get used to my own skin.
i miss him even though
he's always just a
phone call away.
even if i see him
all the fucking time.
this isn't love.
- but it's all we've got.
i waited that night
for you to kiss me.
and your mouth said loud and clear, that you wanted to...
but the words just never came.
so, you held me close on the dancefloor instead.
our bodies, swaying to the twang of a country song,
your breath on my neck.
and you apologized for dancing with those other girls,
as if you were mine.
i waited all night
for you to ask if you could take me home.
and i so desperately wanted you to,
but i never said it and you never asked.
so, you drove me home in the twilight of the early morning,
and you asked if was ready to go home, or if i wanted to be with you still.
i said i wasn't ready for home.
and we went to your place and you talked to me
as if i were yours.
so i waited for hours
for you to make your move.
your lips and eyes said that you were ready,
but you just knew that i wasn't.
so, you held me close in your sheets instead.
your hands, brushing against the small of my back...
your head, resting on my neck.
and for once in my life, i felt safe and cared about...
as if i belonged somewhere.
i'm sorry, but i just got my heart broken. and i can't make myself move on.
so, i'm not going to allow either of us to get hurt.